A few gripes I wish to take up with the people of America

Dear people of America,

While travelling in your country this summer, I became aware of a few ways in which your country could be improved. I respectfully share them with you here:

  1. Include sales taxes and service charges in the price of things. For pete’s sake the students you send to this country get freaked out by having two taps yet you guys turn ordering food into a mental arithmetic exam
  2. Get reasonable sized cars. You are going to buy groceries not re-enact Desert Storm, therefore, you can dispense with the tank.
  3. Do you love the US of A or the Confederacy? This one is for Southerners only. There is nothing more ‘unamerican’ than an armed insurrection against the US government with the aim of carving a separatist state out of American territory. So claiming to be patriotic while flying Confederate flags and calling the Civil War as ‘the war between the states’ makes as much sense as me claiming to be a monarchist but painting an IRA mural on my house.
  4. ‘How are you?’ is a question, not a greeting. Therefore, don’t be surprised when I answer!
  5. The Royal Family. Firstly, you broke up with them. Secondly, that was two centuries ago. Thirdly, we may be with them at the moment but we’re really not that into them; we like the bonus public holidays. So basically get over them and talk to us about something else!
  6. Mayo. It makes chips (or if you insist fries) much better. Ketchup doesn’t. Learn from us Europeans on this one.
  7. It’s maths not math. It’s short for mathematics, your abbreviation makes no sense.

Yours faithfully,

Mark Mills

P.S: Please don’t take any of this as meaning I don’t realise you do some things better: street layouts, pancakes, Mexican food, your municipal buildings and froyo. Oh and using the word “y’all” is great!


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